How (Not) To Pick Up Chicks at a Business Conference

I just arrived home safely from four days on the road, workin’ it. You know… drumming up business, attending a meeting, and exhibiting at a two-day conference.

Something I noticed about this conference that makes it stand out in my “Top Conferences Ever Attended” list is that this one was brimming with guys trying to hit on me. Usually there is the one, or maybe the two, guys who give it a shot and then move on (or not). However, this time I was a hot commodity. Maybe it was my professional outfit. Maybe it was my company’s amazing booth. Who knows really. But it was pure animal magnetism.

The first guy walked up to me carrying an armload of about 5o pens and what looked like several hundred pieces of random promotional items. He wasn’t messing around and asked me straight up if we had anything for free, so I handed him a bottle of water. I noticed that he wasn’t wearing a nametag. I couldn’t tell if he was an attendee or an exhibitor, so I asked. And he responded, “Oh no, I live near here and I love to sneak into these things and collect as many free things as I can. It’s like a game to me!”

Okay.

Then he proceeds to tell me (even though I am doing my best to look completely uninterested) that he is a single guy who just bought a “15,000 square foot mansion” (his words) and he is all alone in that big old house, and he needs to get someone to help him remodel it because he has “ideas.” Umm, no you don’t own a 15,000 square foot mansion. That’s a castle. And it’s 11am on a Wednesday and you aren’t at work, so you probably don’t have a job either.

After I got rid of the promotional item cleptomaniac, up walked a fellow exhibitor. After we exchanged pleasantries, he offered up that he just moved to a new town and was really liking it so far. Then he told me point blank that “it’s just me and my dog, I’m a single guy, and I just bought my house for $250,000.” Dude. I wasn’t interested before, but now I’m really not interested. Why don’t you just give me a copy of your credit report while we’re at it, along with copies of your last four payroll stubs. Geez.

My favorite is a man who was wearing a turquoise ring on each hand, a watch with chunks of turquoise glued to it and a turquoise bolo tie. I was staring in disbelief at this rhinestone cowboy when he walked over and delivered my all-time favorite line (to date): “I noticed you eyeing my bolo tie.” Oh no he didn’t. I don’t have enough tact to handle this situation. The need to retreat was fierce. I managed to not die laughing, instead I kept a straight face and said something to the effect of “Oh… it’s… nice?” He told me the history of the bolo tie, along with his entire life history. He was a very nice guy, but I don’t hang out with men who wear turquoise jewelry. And I especially don’t date them.

My friend Matthew says men should never wear rings. Period. Unless it’s a wedding ring. I’ll agree with this, for sure.

Basically, I don’t find it appropriate to pick up chicks (or guys) at business conferences, gun shows, dog shows… basically anything with booths, exhibits, door prizes and name badges. It’s just not what the cool kids do.