You might have been overwhelmed with hot dogs, Instagram, “The Twilight Zone” marathon, slamming PBR’s, sitting on a blanket, watching fireworks and being the best American you that you can be that some seriously funny Independence Day tweets were overlooked on your phone. Get off your phone! We got your back bro (bruh?) and compiled a list of the best July 4th tweets. Read em’ and weep with laughter.
Happy Your Rent Is 4 Days Late!!!
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) July 4, 2013
Thumbs up to us for shortening America by one vowel #Merica
— Jazmine Hill (@caminickname) July 5, 2013
Tonight is the only logical night to commit crimes with guns
— Joe Mande (@JoeMande) July 5, 2013
I'm spending this 4th of July like our forefathers did, tweeting about a BBQ.
— Monique Madrid (@moniquemadrid) July 4, 2013
☆。★。☆。★ ☆ 。☆。☆ ★。＼｜／。 ★ Your Mom Has Had Cum Inside Her ★。／｜＼。★ 。☆ 。。☆ ☆。 ★。☆ ★
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 5, 2013
I pumped up the jams too much, I need to deflate them – please help, can't find info anywhere about it.
— Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) July 4, 2013
“It’d be better if they just shot off all the fireworks at once for like 10 amazing seconds and then it was over” – guys
— Andy Levy (@andylevy) July 5, 2013
— 2HAYNEZ (@imandyhaynes) July 4, 2013
Ohno I just woked up did I miss everything
— Chelsea Peretti (@ChelseaVPeretti) July 5, 2013
July 4th is 9/11 for dogs.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 5, 2013
Best way to celebrate 4th July is to crawl into large rusted old oil drum & set off chains of firecrackers all at once. Fun!
— Joyce Carol Oates (@JoyceCarolOates) July 4, 2013
Dialysis. RT @BonJovi: Happy 4th of July to all of our American fans! What do you have planned today?
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 5, 2013
If you use your sparkler to write your own name, you are a goddamn sociopath.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) July 5, 2013
Don't forget what you're celebrating; a bunch of slave-owning aristocratic white males didn't want to pay their taxes -Dazed & Confused
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) July 4, 2013
It's too bad fire has to work today
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 4, 2013
You think you're patriotic, my outfit's MADE OUT OF FLAGS AND HOTDOGS.
— Emily Maya Mills (@emilymayamills) July 4, 2013
DUDE HOT DOGS
— Dave Ross (@davetotheross) July 4, 2013
Every 4th I put my dick on a bun and say "who wants this one" and every 4th I get punched & then arrested.
— Matt_Dwyer (@Matt_Dwyer) July 4, 2013
what if the declaration of independence had to be written in under 140 characters.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) July 4, 2013
I'm starting to think the #4thofjuly is a celebration of Pyromaniacs.
— Mike Kelton (@mikekelton) July 5, 2013
I'm not an arsonist but I get it.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) July 4, 2013
Red, White and Blue Balls-4th of July for all my high school boyfriends.
— Mo Welch (@momowelch) July 4, 2013
Happy 4th of July! Let's celebrate our independence from tyranny by giving some dogs PTSD!
— Alice Wetterlund (@alicewetterlund) July 4, 2013
according to advertising, the most patriotic thing you can do is buy a mattress.
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 4, 2013
whenever i hear a firework boom i get flashbacks to the time i google image searched “firework injuries”
— jon hendren (@fart) July 5, 2013
Happy Independence Day! Have fun and set off tons of fireworks because fuck dogs. Seriously.
— Bagel The Cat (@Bagel_The_Cat) July 5, 2013
Ok, who's gonna volunteer to watch all the Instagram fireworks videos tonight? Not it!
— erinn hayes (@hayeslady) July 4, 2013
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