Hipster Heaven
“A Treasury of Hipster Recipes” was written by Jake Christie via our friends at Insight/Outpost, and I’m so glad they shared it, because it’s spot on hilarious, even if I’m slightly guilty of some of it. Enjoy!
Caesar Salad
First, find a bootleg recording of LCD Soundsystem’s final show. This could take some time, so begin four to six hours before mealtime, or whenever you wake up, whichever comes first. Once you have the show, move your laptop into the kitchen, so that you can easily listen to it while you prepare the salad. Balance it on top of the microwave if necessary….
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They're everywhere.
Tear romaine lettuce purchased at Whole Foods and place in a bowl. Drizzle garlic olive oil and vinegar over the lettuce as if it really mattered. Add a squeeze of lemon, pepper, and Parmesan cheese. Toss the ingredients while you really focus on the LCD show, thinking about how indie music isn’t nearly as interesting as it used to be, and wonder why you’re focusing so much on food when you could have used that energy to get scalped tickets for the show and bum a ride to Madison Square Garden. Become disgusted with the whole prospect of the salad. Add croutons and serve with PBR.
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Vegetable Lasagna
Preheat oven to 375 degrees or whatever. Boil noodles for 10 minutes and drain.
Invite a friend over and split a sixpack of microbrew. Mix flour and soymilk in a large bowl, then heat and add spinach, Parmesan, and salt and pepper. In a way that implies you really shouldn’t have to ask, ask your friend to grease a casserole dish. Layer noodles, ricotta and cottage cheese, vegetables, spinach mix, and noodles, and then top with mozzarella cheese.
Bake for 35 minutes, and then bake for two more minutes to be nonconformist. Use these two minutes to talk with your friend about back when lasagna used to be good, before everybody started making it. Serve in dishes that you bought in a secondhand store and be, like, so overit already.
For meat lasagna: You’re kidding, right? That’s so not vegan. Gross.
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Bouilla-do-not
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Bouillabaisse
Bouillabaisse? You’re still talking about bouillabaisse? Nobody’s made bouillabaisse in years. Don’t tell me you’re getting ready to simmer lobster tails and fry clams in thyme and saffron just to be ironic. You’re trying way too hard. Let me guess: you heard about bouillabaisse on television, and you thought to yourself, “It sounds foreign and interesting, so nobody will know what it is when I bring it out of the kitchen.” Everybody knows about bouillabaisse. We all knew about bouillabaisse back when it was appetizing.
Seriously? Bouillabaisse? That’s so adorable.
Vegetable Casserole
Go to the Farmer’s Market and buy corn, cauliflower, broccoli, and mushrooms. At home, find the latest album rated at least 9.0 on Pitchfork and download it illegally. This album could be several years old and should be easy to find. Preheat oven to something like 375 degrees.
Mix vegetables with cream-style soup and spread in a 12×7-inch baking dish. Listen to your new album while sprinkling breadcrumbs atop mixture. Nod your head and think, yes, of course, this is a masterpiece. Consider getting a tattoo of the cover art. Place casserole in oven, uncovered.
Read more reviews and forum posts about how incredible the album you’re listening to is. Over 30 to 35 minutes, feel your opinion about the music changing until you can’t stand it anymore. Switch your iTunes playlist to OK Computer and think about how good music usedto be.
Serve hot on a plate or in a bowl. Cover leftovers. Put your new album of mediocre garbage aside for a few days, until you read a wave of backlash calling it over-hyped and unduly praised. Decide that the people criticizing the response to the album rather than the album itself have way too much time on their hands. Listen to it again and come to the conclusion that it’s actually pretty good. Recommend it on Twitter, but not too enthusiastically.
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Yep.
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Apple Pie
Buy a pre-made apple pie at Trader Joe’s. When people compliment your pie, soak up the irony of it all. Take a picture of the pie and upload it to Facebook with the caption “Apple Pie!” Delete the comment your mother leaves.
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SO Note: For more of the funny, check out Jake on I/O, and then just check out I/O. Hipster Heaven photo provided by Mike Burns.
Interview with Samantha Ronson | Serial Optimist
on Jun 9th, 2011
@ 10:19 pm:
[...] on, so I do my best to not let it get to a bad point. But you know… I don’t like DJing for hipsters. That never works well for me because they act like they don’t want to hear pop music but when [...]