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“The Answer is Maeby” is an advice column run by a street smart, ham-loving pooch with a positive outlook on life and a desire to help humans.

Claustrophobic in Colorado

Dear Maeby,

My boyfriend seems to be getting more and more controlling. He always wants to know where I am going, who I am going to be with, why I am going, etc. He feels that he needs to give me permission to go anyplace without him. I am really starting to feel like a caged animal. The other day, I was shopping at the mall and he called my cell phone and asked me why I was at the mall. How did he know I was there? I think he is following me, or put some kind of GPS tracking device on my phone. It really creeped me out.

I’m about to move in with him, to a town far, far away from any of my family. I’m afraid I won’t have any friends, as he is always with me and hampers my ability to make friends lately. We are supposed to get married, but I am afraid that his behavior will continue to be worse, and then, what happens if we have children? Will he control them as well?

What should I do?


Claustrophobic in Colorado


Scribbles in cage

Dear “Claustrophobic in Colorado,”

I’m so glad you found me in time! DON’T MOVE IN WITH THIS HUMAN!!! And never, NEVER marry him, or breed with him. Take it from someone who spends a lot of time on a leash, it’s no fun, and don’t even get me started on cages! In my experience, there are plenty of humans out there who will let you roam free with your whiskers to the wind.

Make out a pros and cons list of why you’re still with this guy. I’ll bet ya a million raw hides the cons outweigh the pros. This guy seems like kind of a drag and once ya ditch him, you’ll feel the weight of a thousand collars off of your neck! I’m not sure what a mall is, but it sounds great, and you should get to go whenever you want! Especially if there’s treats there, which it sounds like there might be!

It seems like this person might have a confidence problem, which has nothing to do with you actually, but it might make him bite or attack. My pop was like this with my ma, and it didn’t end well. He ended up locked up for doing much worse than GPS. Take it from me kid, this guy sounds worse than a cat!

If someone loves you, they should be happy when you’re happy, and nothing makes anyone happier than playing! You should get to play as much as you want, with or without him (so long as you’re being nice and not getting belly rubs from nobody else) because you seem like a real trustworthy human and you deserve great things and tons of ham!

I also want to say, you should always trust your instincts, which seem like they’re telling you “no!” Now, this “no” is not coming from you being in the wrong garbage at the wrong time, or licking yourself a little too much, but rather, your “no” is coming from deep within, even deeper than where toots come from, and you need to heed its word. Trust yourself, and only be with a human that trusts yourself as much as you trust yourself. You pickin’ up what I’m poopin’ down? If you need a place to stay, here’s a list of safe, human lady shelters in your area: Human Lady Shelter.

If those don’t work out, you’re welcome to take up my spot on the bed over here in LA! I’ll even warm it up for ya, and make ya some hair soup (it’s made from old boots)!

Hope that helps kiddo, and thanks for askin’! Now I gotta go rustle me up some spaghetti sauce and dumpster diapers, I’m starvin’!

Licks and tummy rubs,


SO Note: Have a question for Maeby? Submit to @tweetsfromdogs. “The Answer is Maeby” is dictated to and typed by Los Angeles based human @LisaLaureta.