Terrifying Turkey Tales - Serial Optimist
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Terrifying Turkey Tales

Okay. So this post is misleadingly named. Nothing about it is terrifying. What it is is Thanksgiving mishaps. Things that went awry and days that perhaps weren’t so traditional. The good news? It’s okay! Everyone can relate! These are all tales I have run across that have made me giggle, groan, and guffaw. Enjoy how fun humans can be! Happy Turkey Day!

Deep fried turkey

My dad and his friend Ivan were deep frying turkeys in the garage. We were having a celebration because Ivan’s grandson and my brother were both returning home from West Point. Dad and Ivan fried one store bought turkey and one wild turkey. They were keeping the wild turkey meat in a plastic tub. As they were preparing to fry the turkey, the plastic lid fell into the deep fryer. They went ahead and cooked it anyway, and after we had finished eating, Ivan asked us if the turkey tasted “plasticky”.

- Anonymous Guest Writer

Thanksgiving dinner

When my sister moved to New York, she spent a Thanksgiving without the fam. So, I carried a picture of her around all day, sat on the table at her spot, and even included it in family pictures so she could be there even when she wasn’t!

- Erin Schneider, Guest Writer

P.S. They sent me photos of the family with my photo next to them. I laughed. And then I almost cried. Because I was on the Upper East Side eating an expensive dinner in a restaurant with strangers. Woof.

- Meredith Schneider, Twin of Guest Writer Erin Schneider

Fried turkey on fire

Our friend was frying turkeys on the deck, as they do every year. His dad had gotten a new video camera for Christmas, so he ran inside to grab it and record the good time they were all having. When he got back outside, the deck was on fire. He dropped the camera to try and put the fire out. His son picked the camera up and continued to film what was happening, which ended up being very funny. Only because no one got hurt. And the camera turned out fine. Thank God.


Preface: The Donegan family is ginormous. Their family has more people than you can feasibly count in an hour. They are known eaters, so their Thanksgiving tables look like a pre-game meal for an NFL team.

One year Aunt Bridget made a casserole, she forgot to multiply the recipe so instead of a casserole for 40 it was for four. Oh and my little cousin was sitting on my Grandpa Donegan’s lap and said, “You’re a lot like a turkey,” and grabbed the extra skin under his chin and said, “Gobble gobble”. Kids.

- Elizabeth Messina, Guest Writer 

Well last year I went out and got hammered with my cousins on Thanksgiving. We were just about to leave, and we saw a bar fight break out across the street. My cousin ran over to try and intervene, and his brother and I ran over to KEEP him from intervening. The cops were right there anyways and we didn’t want him getting arrested by getting involved. So his brother was yelling at him, “You always do this shit! Thats why I hate going out with you!” And he was yelling back, “OH, IM SORRY, I JUST DONT WANT TO SEE A GUY GET BEAT TO DEATH IN FRONT OF ME!” Basically that shit over and over for most of the ride home.

Then my other cousin, who had been silent the whole ride, just EXPLODES. “SHUT THE F UP! EVERYONE SHUT THE F UP! I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE NEXT PERSON WHO TALKS!” He starts saying how the shit he has to deal with HIS brother (who wasn’t there with us) is way worse, and they don’t know how good they have it. Then Bryce (the guy who wanted to intervene) goes, “Okay man take it easy.” Ryan (the guy who went nuts) is like, “WHAT THE F DID I SAY? SHUT YOUR FING MOUTH!” and grabs Bryce by the back of the neck. Now by this time, we’re just down the street from my house. It’s 4 in the morning. We get home and spill out of the car, and Bryce and Ryan are in each other’s faces and the whole house is coming out to break things up. Good times.

- Anonymous Guest Writer

Dish Towels

All of my cousins gathered around giggling having a merry time snapping each other wish dish towels. I see my 8 year old cousin twirling a towel so I flicked the most perfect, loud snap directly on the nipple. Then I was scolded by every adult in the family. The nipple part is important. The end.

- Kevin McGannon, Guest Writer

We were just chilling do our thanksgiving thang so to speak. Then it was so good we decided next year we would make it better by getting some more space for ourselves and our friends/family. Ran into a few hiccups, but it was nothing a few guns and a little elbow grease couldn’t fix. And typhus and smallpox and a good old fashioned genocide. Moral of the story there is plenty of space for activities this year.

- Crosby Coleman, Guest Writer


SO Note: Tell us your best (worst?) terrifying turkey tale @Serial_Optimist!

Meredith Schneider

Meredith Schneider

Contributing Editor at Serial Optimist
Meredith runs DoubleTake Productions with her sister, loves mild cheddar cheese (or sharp if she's feeling feisty), and finds that There's So Much to Smile About.
Meredith Schneider
Meredith Schneider

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