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The Answer is Maeby is an advice column run by a street smart, ham-loving pooch with a positive outlook on life and a desire to help humans.

Concerned Over Christmas

Dear Maeby,

The holidays are upon us but money is tighter this year. How can I have a memorable Christmas without letting everyone down?


Concerned Over Christmas


Dear Concerned,

Oh man, the holidays. That’s why the streets are all lit up again! I thought maybe they were on fire. Every time those twinkly grey and brighter grey lights go up, they stress you humans out to no end. I don’t know why you all freak out this time of year, but you do, so let me help!

Allow me to properly articulate the meaning of Christmas. First, everyone finally wakes up when they’re supposed to, before sunrise, and before the evil garbage truck comes to eat all my savories. Then, at least one of you is super excited which is fun for me because you get my favorite kind of voice, high pitched. Then, one of you is cranky, which is also fine for me, because that’s the one who sits still long enough to pet me all morning. Then, you hand each other amazing, fun, noisy boxes with paper all over them. You rip off all the paper, and instead of eating it, or playing with it, you just leave it on the floor. I’ll never understand that. Then, the boxes, some of which would make GREAT homes, go into the garbage, along with all that delicious, shiny paper. Then, some of the thingies that were inside the boxes get looked at for a couple of minutes, and then, my favorite part! We eat! Well, you eat; I wait under the table for the cranky one to feed me more ham than I’ll get all year. You all get tired, which is perfect, because I love naps. Then you wake up, which is my time to go explorin’ through the garbage for ham-flavored paper. You play with the thingies that were in those amazing boxes for a couple more minutes, or maybe hours, I don’t know, time doesn’t exist. Then it’s all over.

In all of this I’ve come to understand a few things:

1)   Humans don’t appreciate how delicious paper can be

2)   Humans don’t properly commend a box for its housing capabilities

3)   Memories are made in your brain, not from the thingies that were in the boxes

It’s my understanding that money, the most delicious paper of all paper, is what buys thingies. So I am going to deduct that money would limit the thingies in the boxes, and since the thingies don’t seem to matter much, the money doesn’t matter much.

Here are some thingies that I know from experience go over very well, and I’m pretty sure they don’t cost a lot of paper:

Ditch the thing that plugs into the talking box and go for something sticky! I had one Christmas where kids got something that had a bunch of wires and cords coming out of it (that I got in trouble for munching on). It came in two boxes, and had a really annoying sounding plastic surrounding it. That plastic was disgusting, and the thingy must have been too, because the kids didn’t touch it. They were too busy putting their new stickers from their sticker book all over me. And I don’t know what “silly putty” is, but I had to go to the groomer the next day to get it removed because it was definitely all up in my paws. Bottom line, if there’s a kid in your life, get ‘em something sticky and they’ll have fun for however long time is.

Puppets! Not for eating! Not for eating. Puppets are terrifying, and definitely highly entertaining for a bunch of humans of all ages. You don’t eat a puppet.

Scribble something on a piece of paper and then stick it inside a slightly larger piece of paper. I’ve gotten in a lot of trouble for eating this smaller piece of paper, which leads me to think it might mean more to human adults than even the ham does. Sometimes they read the thingies written on it, and a delicious salty liquid comes out of their eyes. Or they make that really loud yelling, “ha ha” sound, and delicious salty liquid comes out of their eyes. I just know that humans and I have a couple things in common: we love a good back rub, and we love when delicious salty liquid comes out of their eyes. Nothing makes a better memory than salt!

Bottom line is, I think humans remember a lot, so it shouldn’t take much paper to create a memorable Christmas. And, if all else fails, you can all just sit around that talking box and watch your favorite thingy. That box will never let anyone down!

Loves and Licks,



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The Answer Is Maeby is dictated to and typed by Los Angeles based human Lisa Laureta.

Twitter Handles: @LisaLaureta | @tweetsfromdogs